At the vet’s…

I hope she’ll be okay.

I just dropped her off at the vet’s to get her teeth cleaned. I am a nervous wreck! Because I can’t afford to take her to the vet clinic I’ve taken her to in the past, I had to take her to another, cheaper, place. When I walked in my anxiety level hit the roof. I couldn’t believe this is where I was going to leave her. And she looked so scared! They might have to keep her over-night, but hopefully they won’t. I don’t want her there alone for a whole night!

Summer breeze.

It was really nice out today. She likes hanging out on the window sills with the windows open.

Keep the windows open, please.

I love the summer time!

4 days.

My brother and his wife decided to take my nephew to Disneyland as a late birthday present. They took my mother and his mother-in-law along. They asked my brother and I if we wanted to go too but that we would have to pay our own way. Obviously with my current financial status the way it is I couldn’t afford to go. But all was not lost. Know why? Because I get to have the house to myself for four days. And let me tell you, it’s really nice. It is serving as a reminder that I need my own space!

I’ve had two really great runs so far this week. Yesterday I did a 6 mile tempo run with a 9:31 minute mile pace. Today I did a 4 mile speed workout and average a 9:00 minute mile. Tomorrow is my day off from the gym but the weather has been so nice (we hit 82˚F today) that I think I’ll go for a short run in the morning. I’m also getting my hair cut. It’s time for a trim.

I don’t have much else to write about tonight. Not much is going on in my life.

Lazarus.

It’s so sad and pathetic of me to wish that he would care, even a little bit, about me, about my life. After so much time having now passed, I am crazy to think he would. Do you know that sometimes when I close my eyes, I swear I can smell him? He never wore cologne so he always smelled like soap. How do you forget things like that? How do you forget any of it?

I met someone for coffee today from the dating website. He was nice. We talked for a good two hours. Afterwards, though, he didn’t ask to see me again. My guess is he wasn’t that interested in me once he met me in person. I told my friend, S, about it and she asked if there had been chemistry. The truth? I wasn’t sure what I felt. But it’s been like this since I started trying to “get back out there”. I sometimes wonder if I’m missing out on some great guy because something feels blocked inside of me. I feel that allowing myself to feel anything for another man will only end in some kind of hurt, some kind of pain. And I think that this has created this thing that is holding me back, or down, or whatever it is that I’m feeling.

When my dog passed away, people asked me shortly after it happened if I had plans to get another dog. I would say no, that it was too soon to think of replacing her. It’s been more than two and a half years since she passed and I still don’t feel the desire to get another dog. I love dogs, always have, and I miss having one around with me, but the thing is that I don’t want to get another dog just for the sake of having the dog. What I want is to have her back. I don’t want a replacement dog, I want her.

An that’s how I feel about this who dating thing. I loved my dog very, very much. I loved her so much that I can’t even picture having another dog take her place. I loved him very deeply and with my entire being and I don’t know if a replacement will do. I want the man I fell in love with back. That’s what I want. A simple replacement won’t do. But just like I can’t resurrect my dog from the dead, it would seem that resurrecting a love that (I thought) once existed in his heart would be an impossible task to accomplish.

Once upon a time we were happy.

I don’t have a lot of photos of myself. Mostly because I don’t really like having my picture taken. Full body photos of me are even rarer to find. But I needed to find one so I went into a folder that I told myself I shouldn’t go into anymore. There, inside that folder, are all the photos of the life I had with him. Most of the ones that have him or his kids in them I had already deleted, but I had missed some. Some of the two of us together during happier times. And I saw them tonight. And it’s still hard to see them. To see him. His face. His smile. My smile. Our bodies standing close to each other. Touching. Sharing a moment. Loving him. Thinking he loved me, too. I still don’t know if he actually did love me in the real sense of the word or if he simply liked having me around – until he didn’t. And I still feel a pain in my heart when I see those pictures. When I see him. Because I really did love him in every sense of the word. And to me that meant something.

My smile says it all, don’t you think?

This photo was taken in Amsterdam, four months before he told me to leave.

Furball #2

Picasso.

I went to The Art Institute today to catch the Picasso exhibit before it’s gone next week. I loved it. Picasso was truly an amazing artist. He was also a bit of a ladies’ man. There was one painting in particular that caught my eye. And then I realized that it was basically portraying one of my greatest fears as a singleton.

Crazy Woman with Cats

(I’m not making up the title of the painting either. That’s really what it’s called.)